funny stuff!!

[beason]

got these in an email figured i would share..

>>>
>>>These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
>>>things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
>>>published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while
>>>these exchanges were actually taking place.
>>>
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
>>>
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
>>>
>>>______________________________
>>>
>ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
>>>
WITNESS: July 18th.
>>>
ATTORNEY: What year?
>>>
WITNESS: Every year.
>>>
>>>_____________________________________
>>>
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
>>>
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
>>>
>>>______________________________________
>>>
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
>>>
WITNESS: Yes.
>>>
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
>>>
WITNESS: I forget.
>>>
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
>>>forgot?
>>>
>>>_____________________________________
>>>
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one l iving with you?
>>>
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
>>>
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
>>>
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
>>>
>>>_____________________________________
>>>
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
>>>morning?
>>>
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
>>>
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
>>>
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
>>>
>>>______________________________________
>>>
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
>>>voodoo?
>>>
WITNESS: We both do.
>>>
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
>>>
WITNESS: We do.
>>>
ATTORNEY: You do?
>>>
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
>>>
>>>______________________________________
>>>
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
>>>sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
>>>
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
>>>
>>>___________________________________
>>>
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
>>>
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one .
>>>
>>>________________________________________
>>>
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
>>>
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
>>>
>>>______________________________________
>>>
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
>>>
WITNESS: Yes.
>>>
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
>>>
WITNESS: Uh....
>>>
>>>______________________________________
>>>
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
>>>
WITNESS: Yes.
>>>
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
>>>
WITNESS: None.
>>>
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
>>>
>>>______________________________________
>>>
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
>>>
WITNESS: By death.
>>>
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
>>>
>>>______________________________________
>>>
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
>>>
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
>>>
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
>>>
>>>_____________ _________________________
>>>
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
>>>deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
>>>
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
>>>
>>>______________________________________
>>>
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on
>>>dead people?
>>>
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
>>>
>>>______________________________________
>>>
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go
>>>to?
>>>
WITNESS: Oral.
>>>
>>>______________________________________
>>>
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
>>>
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
>>>
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
>>>
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing
>>>an autopsy on him!
>>>
>>>______________________________________
>>>
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
>>>
WITNESS: Huh?
>>>
>>> ______________________________________
>>>
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
>>>a pulse?
>>>
WITNESS: No.
>>>
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
>>>
>WITNESS: No.
>>>
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
>>>
WITNESS: No.
>>>
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
>>>began the autopsy?
>>>
WITNESS: No.
>>>
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
>>>
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
>>>
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
>>>
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
>>>practicing law.
>>>
>>

 

[Plaidfish]

I pissed my pants onthat one.......I need to get that book

 

[.21Rc10GT]

That was funny... Thanks for brightening my day!

 

[Plaidfish]

I heard everyone I sent that to via E-mail laughing in the last 5 mins......

 

[bustedgears]

ROFLMFAO!!!!!!!!!! Thankz for the laugh after crapy day at work!!

 

[1500valk]

that last one is the best!

 

[greenwing7]

LOL I know doctors and attorneys who would like that one

 

[WyldSeaMaiden]

Good One

 

[Tweak]

this is the transcript of an actual radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. The Radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on Oct. 10, 1995.

Us Ship: Please divert your course 0.5 knots south by southwest to avoid collision.

CND Reply: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Us Ship: This is the Captain of an American vessel. I say again, Divert your course

CND Reply: We strongly suggest diverting your course to avoid collision Captain.

Us Ship: This is the USS Ranger, the largest American batleship in our fleet, accompanied by several submarines and bomber facilitated aircraft. I say again, DIVERT YOUR COURSE.

CND Reply: This is a lighthouse... Your call.


(This is not an actuall transmission, only a parody. No event such has this has been recorded, the USS ranger is a Decommisioned Aircraft carrier.)